Human relations 101

I'm still reading Welwood's Toward a Psychology of Awakening; here is a passage or two that puts a lot of my own thoughts into words better than I could:

Two people seeking to fashion a life together today face a unique set of challenges and difficulties. . . . For the first time in history the relations between men and women lack clear guidelines, supportive family networks, a religious context, and a compelling social meaning. . . .Until recently, the form and function of the male/female relationship, and marriage in particular, were carefully prescribed by the family, society, and religion. One’s family always chose, or at least had veto power over, one’s choice of a marriage partner. Every couple had a set of defined roles within an extended family, which in turn had a place in a close-knit community or village where people shared similar social, moral, and religious values and customs.

Only in the last few generations has this situation changed. Now that marriage has lost most of its traditional supports and couples are increasingly cut off from family, community and widely shared values, there are few convincing extrinsic reasons for a man and a woman to sustain a life’s journey together. Only the intrinsic quality of their personal connection can keep them going. For the first time in history, every couple is on their own—to discover how to build a healthy relationship and to forge their own vision of how and why to be together.

Those of us who are struggling with the question of love and commitment today are pioneers in territory that has never before been consciously explored. It is important to realize just how new this situation is so we do not blame ourselves for the difficulties we face in our relationships. In former times if people wanted to explore the deeper mysteries of life they would often enter a monastery or hermitage far away from conventional family ties. For many of us today however, intimate relationship has become the new wilderness that brings us face to face with all our gods and demons. It is calling on us to free ourselves from old habits and blind spots and to develop the full range of our powers, sensitivities, and depths as human beings—right in the middle of everyday life.

If we are to cultivate a new spirit of engagement in our intimate relationships, I suggest that we need to recognize and welcome the powerful opportunity that intimate relationships provide—to awaken our true nature. . . . undertaking a journey in search of our deepest nature. Our connection with someone we love can in fact be one of the best vehicles for that journey. When we approach it in this way, intimacy becomes a path—an unfolding process of personal and spiritual development.. . . [T]he new synthesis we can now begin to contemplate is marriage as a conscious relationship, which joins together heaven and earth. Since men and women have only rarely looked at each other eye to eye, as equals, as whole human beings apart from roles, stereotypes, and inherited prescriptions of all kinds, conscious relationship between the sexes is a radical new departure.

He goes on to say that to become fully human and to work toward fully human relationships we must find the path between our conditioned nature (karma) and our heart-nature. He describes being caught in the "bliss trap" where we:

. . .imagin[e] that love is a stairway to heaven that will allow us to rise above the nitty-gritty of our personality and leave behind all fear and limitation. . . .the potential distortion here is to imagine that love by itself can solve all our problems, provide endless comfort and pleasure or save us from facing ourselves, our aloneness, our pain, or ultimately, our death.

and the opposite, the earth-bound desire for security which is to:

. . . make a relationship totally familiar and totally safe, to treat it as a finished product rather than a living process. This is the “security trap”. When we try to make a relationship serve our needs for security we lose a sense of greater vision and adventure. . .a life devoted to everyday routines and security concerns becomes too stale and predictable to satisfy the deeper longings of the heart.

So where do you go from there? He proposes a path:

Intimate relationships can help free us from our karmic entanglements by showing us exactly how and where we are stuck. When someone we love reacts to our unconscious patterns, these patterns bounce back on us and can no longer be ignored. When we see and feel the ways that we are stuck, in the context of a loving relationship a desire for a new direction naturally begins to stir in us.

If our heart is like a flame, our karma or conditioned habits, are the fuel this fire needs in order to blaze brightly. Although the burning of old karma creates great turbulence, it also releases powerful resources within us that have been locked up in our habitual patterns. As these patterns start to break down we gain access to a wider spectrum of our human qualities. . .[a]s our habitual patterns burn in the fire of intimate relationship, our genuine human qualities become released.

Beyond that, the love between man and woman presents a sacred challenge--to go beyond the single-minded pursuit of purely personal gratifications, to overcome the war between the self and the other and to discover what is most essential and real--the depths and heights of life as a whole.

A lot of words. Simple idea. Burn your karma, let go of all the things you think you know about yourself and walk forward, free.

End of Nature

Twenty some years ago there was a book by Bill McKibben called The End of Nature. It caused quite a stir at the time and then was pretty much forgotten. I remember reading a review, never read the whole book. His basic point, still a very cogent idea, is that we have tinkered with nature so much that we have become responsible for whatever occurs. Our sense of the earth and forces of nature that has dominated human thinking since the dawn of consciousness, that Nature is a powerful force, beyond our control-- gods, spirits, frost-giants, whatever--has changed. Whenever it's hot we say "global warming!" and when ever it's cold we say "well, I guess we don't have to worry yet. . ." but the point is we now worry. We feel the guilt. We have become responsible for the weather, indeed for the state of the entire earth. That's a heavy burden to bear. So waking up these beautiful fall mornings in South Montana is restorative. It is possible for a part of the day, until the existential doubt and guilt comes wafting over the Rockies with the hot afternoon wind, to feel renewed, light, a small part of nature, just blessed with a sunny morning full of birds and yellow leaves. That's all we got.

Red light green light

A block from our house is a major intersection. There is a fender bender there almost every day caused by people who run the red light. It is an easy-to-understand intersection, not apt to be confusing for sober drivers. So why do we keep hearing Screech! Bang! and then sirens? Maybe cell phones (they should build in a GPS interface to shout STOP! in the ears of people who are gabbing and about to run a light), but I think it has more to do with a growing self-centeredness, a panic-stricken need everyone feels to get where they think they have to go and do it quickly. People will wait at a stop sign for about one and a half minutes (I've timed them) to let a steady stream of traffic go by. As their personal time limit approaches, they get less and less risk-averse and at approximately 1 1/2 minutes they will floor it and pull out in front someone. Their traffic sense has nothing to do with safety and everything to do with their stress level. Same thing with red lights--when you gotta go you gotta go and there just has to be enough room to squeeze one more vehicle through that yellow. Or I suppose there are more and more who are psychologically unable to tolerate any impediments to their course and whose brains actually don't even perceive the traffic light--a sort of repression of any possibility that they might have to slow down. In a way it is pretty amazing that our culture is so law-abiding to have invented the traffic light at all. Why aren't there crossing bars that descend at red lights like RR crossings? Those are a 19th century thing, probably came about that way to make sure the rubes driving haywagons would stop since the powers-that-were figured that it was impossible to educate them about what a warning light meant. I think we now have a pretty large population of rubes, people who are impossible to educate or reach by any traditional means and don't really understand what it means to get T-boned at Zimmerman Trail. There will likely be crossing bars there someday, then we'll know we really have to move away.

Endings

Well, we're safe for now. The Large Hadron Collider sprang a leak and they had to send out for a refrigeration repairman, probably the Maytag man's big chance. It will be two more months before we know if the world is going to end. In Montana we would probably have a few hours warning (maybe) before we got sucked into the black hole. Time enough to tell your family you love them. That's better than global warming in a way--either way the world ends and with it strung out over a generation or two people forget the love part.

In a previous blog I spoke of the collider and a scientist comparing the odds of it imploding to the odds of a pen falling through the table. Now they are saying it IS possible but only a one in fifty million chance. The latest odds for the Powerball Lottery are one in eighty million. Did you buy your lottery ticket today?

A thought occurred to me--good plot for a science fiction novella. They say there is a black hole at the center of almost all galaxies. Are these maybe the monuments to a billion civilizations who got so smart they thought they had to find a Higgs Boson? Maybe there is an evolution of civilizations, too. Only the really smart ones do not have galaxies marking where they used to be.

What an interesting world it is.

Love

Here are a few quotes from John Welwood that interested me and that maybe will cause others to think:

The disconnection from love most often grows out of not feeling fully embraced or accepted in our family of origin--whether through neglect, lack of attunement, or outright abuse. Not feeling securely held in the arms of love, we fall into the grip of fear. Inadequate love and nurturance directly impact the child's nervous system, resulting in a certain degree of shock or trauma that will affect us for the rest of our life.

Also:

This universal human wound shows up in the body as emptiness, anxiety, trauma, or depression, and in relationships as the mood of unlove, with it's attendant insecurity, guardedness, mistrust, and resentment. And all relationship problems follow from there.

And:

. . . It cripples us, causing us to shrivel and contract. Thus, apart from a few biochemical imbalances and neurological disorders, the [DSM IV] might as well begin: "Herein are described all the wretched ways people feel and behave when they do not know that they are loved." . . . Not knowing we are loved makes the heart grow cold. And all the tragedy of human life follows from there.

Many others have written of the "wound of the heart" and the paralysis that results. The above paragraphs could be taken by some, victims themselves of inadequate love, as an indictment of parents; if only all parents loved their children, the world would be a fine place. This is true, but of course not that simple. Our karma of conditioning and our karma of inherited DNA cross paths at some point and in fact there are people born who are so out of tune with the love given them that they still can grow up confused and wounded. They can be bathed with warmth, caring and love as children but something in their makeup prevents them from being aware of this. They are autistic regarding love. And there are other unfortunates who, though happy and loved as children, come under the influence of less happy, even hateful people as adults and learn to question the love they had, even deny it. It takes all kinds to make this sad floating world. We are all still learning how to swim.

Love your neighbor, love your self, love the bugs under your feet and learn to embrace them as they will someday feed on your beloved flesh.

気をつけて . . .

New Book

Aha! Just what I've been looking for--a psychologist who is a Buddhist and writes well. John Welwood 's Toward a Psychology of Awakening. All through my adult life I have been fascinated by theories of personhood, development, human psyche, whatever. Hence my ancient Psychology Major and my newfound quest for a counseling license. I have also considered a non-strict Buddhist interpretation of the universe to be as close as I need to get to spirituality; at least it makes me a lot less queasy than the Episcopal Sunday School did 50 years ago.
Jung, Freud et al brought the concept of "the unconscious" to the consciousness of Western thinkers 100 years ago and that is about all they are still admired. Read a history of Western thought and you will find this "discovery" marked as one of the milestones, which I sure it was. But the whole idea has frustrated me, and I'm sure a lot of other seekers, all my life. So you have this huge place inside you full of repressed and impossible to understand forces, demons, that control much of your thinking and behavior and cause you to say the wrong thing at times. You are taught to look askance at your innocent dreams "they aren't about what you think they're about …"(intoned ominously). That is not how I understand myself.
John Welwood, trained in all the dreary theories of Freud, Jung, Adler, but also a lifelong student of Eastern thought and meditation, makes it simple and to me explains my misgivings--the unconscious is not something separate from the ego, it is not a place inside you, and it is not always unconscious. It is a place full of awareness and knowledge--you just have to open yourself to it, to wake up. For all of us there are four levels of perception or ground (like figure vs. ground in painting) 1) the situational--what you respond to and perceive in the immediate situation that you are involved in, 2) the personal--the information and perceptions, the chain of conditioning, that relates to your personal history from your birth, 3) the transpersonal--the connections and karma and conditioning, (racial memory if you like) that connects you to the rest of the human race, and 4) the totality, the open, the chain of connection that makes whatever it is that is you a part of the entire universe, the idea of your molecules being recycled through endless suns. Meditation is an exercise in increasing perception, becoming aware of these levels, not retreating into your "unconscious" as Jung thought.
My deep interest in this kind of stuff might put some people off--never fear, I am not a preacher. I do think we all need at some level to arrive at a cogent concept of the universe and our place in it. Otherwise you will eventually run out of new places to shop and then what? Anyway, I recommend John Welwood. He has written other books, I will peruse them in the future. (Om)

Self-examination (they made me do it)

Well, I'm at it again, taking another class. This stuff is actually pretty interesting. It's sort of like going to church--they try to break you down and look at your true motives and weak points--the focus is on healing yourself before you take on helping other people. Here is the first class assignment we were given, with my answers.

What attracted you to the helping profession?
When I was 18 I left home to attend college in another state. As I became acculturated and got to know people from diverse cultures, from all parts of this country as well as from around the world, an interest in their individual stories and personalities gradually turned into an interest in people in general and then to a major in Psychology. By the time I graduated, the rigors of academic psychology (which I perceived then as a lack of concern for people as individuals) had turned me away from seeking employment or continuing in the field in graduate school, so I switched majors. My college did not then have any courses whatsoever in counseling or rehab or I might have gone a different direction. Many years later, after trying teaching, foreign student advising, translation, and finally pottery, I have finally decided to go back to my first interest and try counseling.

Who in your life has influenced your decision to consider this role for yourself?
In a large part this re-assessment came from a personal trauma—last year my mother passed away suddenly. All her life she had wanted me to do something “to make the world better” as she put it. So I am giving this a try. And for the past few years I have come to feel that the way to make the world a better place is perhaps not by filling it up with more pottery.

What is your main motivation for wanting to become a helper?
I will be 60 in a few years. As I look around, I see many, many things about our society, indeed about the whole world, that seem to me to be dangerously close to breaking down. Most of my adult life I have swept such feelings under the convenient rug of my busy schedule and work/family time constraints and just refused to get involved or concern myself past the point which would require investment of time from me. However, as I slow down and reflect more, I find there has been a certain amount of repressed guilt all these years. I am now at a place in my life where perhaps I can act on some of these feelings. Easing out of apathy is like moving a huge boulder—it takes a lot of grunting and good work with crowbars but I feel it will be rewarding.

What personal needs of yours are likely to be met through your work as a helper?
I remembered the other day a long-forgotten pre-teen crisis when I felt briefly called to be a minister. The thought was horrifying to me then, and for a few months I remember being panic-stricken, striving hard to push it away. It seems funny now, but perhaps even then I felt a “calling” or a need to help others.

If you pursue a career in one of the helping professions at this time, what would your ideal vision be?
I have not decided at this point in my exploration of “helping” whether to actively seek employment or just to increase my knowledge of the skills needed to help people, perhaps in a volunteer setting. One reason is my age—finding a job when by all rights I should be retiring soon might be problematical.

What kind of work appeals to you?
Recently I took a course on Prevention Programs and I had a Tigger Moment—that’s NOT what I like! Building programs, doing community work, media advocacy, fundraising—no thanks (even though I had a lot of experience in this sort of thing in my Arts Foundation days). I think, should I go on to become credentialed to do so, I would be happiest in a one-on-one treatment or counseling situation.

With what clients would you most like to work?
I have had a lot of experience working with and helping diverse people in many different situations, so I don’t think I am really particular about what sort of client I want to work with. It seems to me that someone who seeks help is first and foremost a human being and other characteristics with which one might try to describe them are secondary.

What kind of human service work would bring you the greatest meaning and satisfaction?
I have chosen to study addictions treatment for two reasons: first, there is some tendency toward alcoholism in my family and I want to learn more about it and secondly because I am excited about recent research expanding our knowledge of the chemical nature of much of human experience—what we call our mind. With PET and SPECT scans revealing clearly the damage psychoactive substances do as well as the greatly increased understanding of the function of neurotransmitters on our everyday moods, I actually think we might be closer than ever to really being able to understand and treat addictions now that fewer people are into the stigmatization and moralization that has characterized the field. Though I cannot see myself at this stage getting the training in neurobiology to really delve into this personally, the field is exciting to me.

What do you think are the main joys and rewards of being a helping professional?
This perhaps sounds trite, but I sleep better at night knowing I have done something that day for someone else, something that was not for my own personal gain. Becoming a professional is an attempt to make the help offered more likely to be effective. I shudder now to think of some of the well-meant but totally silly advice I have given people over the years. These courses are an attempt to fix that.

Is there anything about yourself that you feel might make work in a helping profession difficult for you?
Although for 10-12 years out of graduate school I was pretty deeply involved in activities which were at least peripherally “helping” such as arts organization work, foreign student advising and teaching, some so-called art and music therapy (very amateurish), and volunteer work, for the past 20+ years I have been a self-employed business owner with little time for such things. That has one strong disadvantage for me in that I am out of the habit of working closely with people and deep in the habit of maximizing my own gain.
On a personality level. focusing is sometimes a problem (I am self-diagnosed AD/HD 1- predominately inattentive type) and if not careful I have a tendency to tune out of another’s conversation or to try to finish their sentences when I think I know what they are saying. Need to slow down.
Because I have spent much of my adult life involved in other things, the culture of the helping professions is foreign to me. Even college has changed so much as to be almost unrecognizable to me after 35 years. On the up side I have always been good at learning cultures, so I think I can dig in and start absorbing this one.
Last but not least, I have always had to fight myself to stay humble. I was the “bright child” when little and in my younger days tended to be arrogant and did not suffer fools gladly. I have since learned the hard lesson that I am not at all qualified to judge who is foolish but I still have to work hard to remember this on a daily basis.